About this time last year, I started to open Pandora’s Box.  Pain, suffering, lies, hurt, sadness and many more terrible things escaped from the box.  One year has gone by and I’m looking at where I stand.  All the things released from the box still surround me.  There are moments when I can see through them towards the light, but moments later it darkens and I’m back to feeling lost and without direction.

Should I have never opened the box?

I’m hurting terribly, but if I were to go back, I would open the box once again.

I believe that in the end, we will be happier than we ever thought we could be.

At the bottom of Pandora’s Box, there was hope.  You just need to keep the box open long enough to reach it.

I made my first solo day trip today.  It brought me to Winterthur in Delaware. I’ve now been to 17 of the 1,000 places to see before you die.  It is odd to think that at the age of 30, I’m going on my first real day trip alone. Sure, I’ve traveled alone for work before, but I don’t really count that. The purpose to see those places were given to me by my employer.  This is the first trip that I decided on why I was going.

So, why did I go?

Beyond wanting to increase my pathetic count of only 16 interesting places I’ve been, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.  I wanted to prove that I can enjoy life and find adventure on my own. I’m very fortunate that I’ve always had someone there with me and supporting me, but in a way I became crippled. I became dependent on who I was with to give me what I wasn’t giving myself.

There were two things I would consider to be my favorite parts of the trip.  The lesser of the two would be the chairs. There were so many beautiful chairs in that home. The fabrics used on them were incredible.  I couldn’t stop taking pictures of them. Every room we entered, there was a new and interesting fabric being used. I would have been happy to remove all the fabric from them and create the most gorgeous garment.

My most favorite part was the reflecting pool.  I sat quietly along the edge seeing what the pool was seeing. I’ve recently come to value honesty more than ever. The reflecting pool is a good analogy for truth. It reflects the world just as it is. Nothing is hidden or changed.

I love living in a city (or at least as much of a city Lancaster counts as) but the feeling of being back in the woods was refreshing.  I grew up climbing trees and running through pastures while the horses grazed. My early childhood was spent getting dirty while I made islands from moss I found in the woods and catching night crawlers to feed to my pet turtles.  Looking at me now, it is probably hard to imagine that is how I once was.

Even though I got away from Lancaster for the day, I realized that no matter how far you run, what you are running from always comes with you or is waiting for you when you return. Sigh.

I enjoyed my time at Winterthur.  I highly recommend checking it out.  They say the peonies will be in full bloom at the end of May.

I forced myself out on Black Friday.  I went to the mall looking for something.  What I was looking for isn’t found in stores and can’t be purchased.  Not sure why I tried.

So, I experienced my first holiday after my divorce (Well, not officially. My divorce will be finalized in a few weeks). I did okay.  My family has been very supportive and are trying to help me keep my head above water.  I unfortunately broke into tears when my cousin asked me what happened to my marriage because the last time she saw me I looked happy.

I had so much strength this entire year after I left my husband.  I’m starting to realize I placed my strength in false realities.  I’m a dreamer and I got hurt by my lofty dreams.  I think the main problem was I focused on a person to be my strength.  A person that wasn’t strong himself and when he crumbled, so did I.

I sit here trying to figure out how to find the strength I need within myself. I find it for moments, but then the sadness comes back again and takes it away.  It is so frustrating.  My stepfather said to me today that he thinks I should inquire about anti-depressants. It makes me ill just thinking about it.

I purchased a book today.  It is called “1,000 places to see before you die.”  I’ve seen 16 so far.  I’m 30 and I’ve only seen 16.  That needs to change. I’m going to start going to these places.  I’m going to look for inspiration in each one.  Possibly for a sewing project,  something to write about or just a reason to keep pushing ahead.

So here I go.  My first stops will either be Winterthur Museum, Rockefeller Center at Christmas or the Barnes Foundation.

The past year of my life has resulted in considerable changes.  Some I’m proud of and others, not so much.  I’ve been living on an emotional roller coaster and my sewing has suffered because of it.  You always hear about people creating their best art in times of great emotion.  Seems like that isn’t really the case for me.

I find it frustrating.  I have a talent and it seems to be wasting away.  I look in my fantastic sewing room and I find zero motivation and inspiration.  I tend to walk by the door of the room and not look back. How does one get back into their passion after the passion has been gone for months?

Could it be fear holding me back? Have you ever not started something because you were afraid it wouldn’t be perfect?

Because of my new life, I spend many hours of the day alone.  How perfect it would be if I could walk into that room and create something amazing. Maybe tomorrow…

Hello everyone!
Just a heads up that I will be a vendor at two events coming up.

Women 2 Women
November 2nd - 9 AM to 4:30 PM
Lancaster’s YWCA
http://www.w2wlancaster.org/

City Arts Market
December 7th - 9 AM to 3 PM
Lancaster’s Eastern Market
http://www.thechl.org/cam

I hope to see everyone there!!!

My new site hasn’t been officially launched yet, but I wanted to say hello to anyone who might stumble across it early.

I’m very excited to have my own site to support my love for fashion and handmade products.  My plan is to regularly post clothing, accessories, or anything else fashion that I love.  I’ll touch on trends that I’m seeing and my thoughts about them.

I welcome you to comment and share your thoughts and opinions as well.

Thank you for checking out Small City Styles